Betrayed Redeemed
by SassyJ
Summary: AU Zain Nadir chose a different path in the Kirsten Shaw case, and was shot and nearly killed for it. Returning to Sun Hill after recovering from his wounds, Zain struggles to cope. Help comes from unexpected places.
1. Prologue: Author Note

Alternate Universe and a Crossover of a kind:

I know I said never again, and lord alone knows where this one has come from but the plot bunny has been savaging my ankle for a week or so.

In this world, Zain Nadir has chosen his life and his colleagues over Kirsten Shaw. It is Zain who takes the bullet, but survives. But what does he survive to return to? For the purposes of this story, the Kirsten Shaw case comes to its near deadly conclusion just before Stevie and Stuart nearly come unstuck with Rob Towler and a corrupt copper.

Zain returns to Sun Hill after recovering from his injuries. But Sun Hill has changed beyond his recognition. Still struggling to cope with the emotional and physical aspects of his near fatal wounding, Zain has to face colleagues who believe he turned to the dark side.

The hierarchy has changed too:

DCI Neil Manson

DI Stuart Turner

DSs Jo Masters and Max Carter

DCs Mickey Webb, Terry Perkins, Stevie Moss, Grace Dasari, Jacob Banks and Zain Nadir

TDC Will Fletcher

Sun Hill's resident CSE is taking a career exchange, his exchange replacement starts the day of Zain's return...


	2. Beginning

Zain Nadir stood on the pavement opposite the station and tried to find the strength just to cross the road. He had to go back. He knew that. His career was almost in tatters and if he didn't face this – the consequences of Kirsten Shaw – he knew he wouldn't be able to get his life back.

He folded his left arm across his stomach. In moments of tension like these he could feel his wound throb. In his mind's eye he could see the passage the bullet took through his body, as though he was reading the x-ray plate. If he allowed his mind to rewind a little further he would feel the pain. Mentally he kicked that memory door closed. This was hard enough.

He crossed the road. _Don't think, don't plan, don't anything... just do. You can do this._

He was so concentrated on emptying his mind of everything in the simple act of re-entering his old life he walked straight into her.

"Oh my god, I'm sorry." He stepped back, embarrassed at the encounter. Her eyes were cool, dark, watchful, assessing him swiftly. "Can I help you?" He recovered himself sufficiently to ask.

"If you know the way into this place, you can." A slight smile crossed her features. "I'm supposed to report to DI..." she consulted a piece of paper "Stuart Turner."

"So am I." He smiled. The simple exchange boosting his confidence a little. "Zain Nadir." He held out his hand. "Detective Constable."

"Sarah Sidle. I'm your new CSI." She consulted the paper again, "CSE here in England."

He knew Sun Hill now had its very own Crime Scene Examiner, but he hadn't been expecting anyone quite like her. She was tall, whilst not classically beautiful there was a strength of character in her features which drew him in. An image flickered in his mind. Kirsten Shaw.

_As the bullet penetrated his flesh he'd looked into her eyes. A split second of total clarity, he was expendable. Everything she had said and done had been to lure him in, keep him on side so that she could continue with her activities. As his legs folded up on him and his body began that final collapse into oblivion he had seen clearly behind the mask. Behind the mask was nothing. It had all been for nothing. He'd betrayed himself and his colleagues for nothing. With his last conscious thought he reached out to his dead sister. I failed you._

He fought back the memory, unaware that in that moment of grief and loss his pain was exposed. She had seen behind the mask.

She said nothing. A few seconds' acquaintance and nine years led by Gil Grissom had schooled her well. She filed the naked emotion and pain away for future reference.

He pulled himself together. _Ridiculous. It's just a job, I was cleared with a reprimand and removed from undercover work for the foreseeable future._ He straightened up, "Shall we?"

Sarah Sidle bent to pick up her case. "Lead on."

He headed up the ramp, and she followed. This promised to be a very interesting posting she thought, as he punched a code into the door and held it open for her.


	3. Sit Rep

"All I'm saying, Stu, is to remember what you went through last year with Stevie." Jo walked over to Stuart's desk and, carelessly scooting a pile of folders to the side, sat down on the corner. If anything, her promotion to DS had made her more brazen. "Zain's been through hell. Granted, some of it was self-inflicted." She paused meaningfully, giving him the full blast from her strange-coloured eyes. "But for a while there, he nearly didn't make it."

Stuart shifted in his chair. "I know. The entire team is on edge," he said quietly. "And Manson's also waiting to see how I handle the situation." He sighed. "To see whether Meadows' faith in me is justified." He knew his appointment to DI had not had Manson's whole-hearted support. The powder keg of Zain's return would test Stuart's newfound resolve and management capabilities well beyond the limit. He could not afford to fail.

"A little bird tells me that Zain's not ready for this."

Stuart had long since given up on trying to work out where Jo's little birds came from. She was a copper through and through, her instincts going way beyond anything he'd acquired. Whatever the situation, Jo knew someone who could.

"Well, I'm going to put him with you this week."

"I know, hun. And I'll do my best."

"And Eddie's replacement starts today, too." Stuart flipped open the file on his desk. "She's 'on loan' from the US. A criminalist from Las Vegas. Sarah Sidle." He flipped the file closed and slipped it into his pending tray. A thought occurred. He pulled the file out of the tray, got up and walked over to his filing cabinet. Then he put the file in its hanger in the top drawer and locked it.

"Good." Jo kept her smirk to herself. "We need someone now."

"Well, she comes very highly recommended."

There was a knock at the door. "Come in."

The door opened and a tall woman entered, followed by Zain Nadir. Stuart stood and held out his hand.

Long slender fingers grasped his. "Sarah Sidle."

"Stuart Turner," he smiled at her, aware that he was being weighed up, "Very glad to have you with us." He cast a glance at Jo. "DS Jo Masters." The two women shook hands.

"I'll take Sarah down to the _lab_." Jo raised an eyebrow in Stuart's direction. "I'm sure you have a lot to talk about."

Jo and Sarah moved to the door. "Nice to have met you, Zain," He smiled back at her, grateful for the support.

Stuart waited until Jo and their new CSE had closed the door before waving Zain to a chair. He studied the DC closely as he wearily sat down. Zain looked tired and strained.

_Jo's little birds were right on the money._

"Are you sure you're ready for this?" Stu leaned forward.

"Not really, guv," Zain looked his new boss straight in the eye, "but if I don't do it now, it's just going to be tougher."

"There's a lot of resentment."

Zain sat up a little straighter. "Guv, _that_ I can handle."

Somehow Stuart doubted that, but Zain was adamant. Stu thought about what Jo had said. _She was right as usual..._

He sighed. "Work with Jo for the time being, ease yourself back in gradually." He tapped the paper on the desk in front of him. "According to this, you have been passed fit for duty." Stuart slipped the paper into Zain's file and closed it. "Cards on the table," he said. "I don't think you're ready, but I have to take the official line. Don't push yourself too hard, and come to me if you have _any_ problems."

Stuart's attitude was something of a welcome surprise for Zain, for the first time he felt a flicker of confidence.

"Thanks, guv."

"Don't thank me just yet. You might change your mind by the end of the day." Stuart got to his feet. "You can have my old desk opposite Jo." He walked over to the filing cabinet with Zain's file.

Zain got to his feet. _Now or never._ The ache from his wound increased, and he clamped down on the nausea. Opening the office door he stepped out. _I'm back._

...ooo0ooo...

"I _can't_ believe it." TDC Will Fletcher hissed under his breath.

Stevie looked up from her paperwork. "What?"

"_What, _what?" Will echoed.

"You can't believe... what?" Stevie leaned forward, as though patiently explaining the problem to a pre-schooler.

Will scowled a little. "Him." He jerked his thumb over his shoulder in the general direction of the DI's office.

"Stuart?"

"No... Zain Bloody Nadir," Will snapped. "He's got some nerve."

"I don't suppose he really had a lot of choice." Stevie had had some history with undercover ops and the risks. She'd built her career out of taking risks undercover. Zain had nearly lost his life getting tangled up in the case. Stevie had some respect for what he had risked, so she was prepared to cut him some slack.

Though it was clear that Will wasn't. Stevie sighed. it wasn't moral outrage spurring Will on, it was the pain of losing Honey. Will's girlfriend hadn't been able to cope with what had happened, with how close she had come to death. And then there was Zain's part in it. Whatever Will tried, she was unable to get past it. One evening he'd arrived home to find that she had gone. Honey had turned in her papers and had vanished. Will didn't know where she had gone, and it was tearing him apart.

She kept a wary eye out as the door to Stuart's office opened, and Zain emerged. He paused for a second as though undecided whether just to walk over to the desk he had been allocated, or say hello to those gathered in the office.

His hopeful gaze fell on Will, who seemed to sense Zain's scrutiny. Will's eyebrows snapped together in a frown, and he turned around to stare at Zain.

Stevie watched the tension increase in Zain's posture, he moved awkwardly to Stuart's old desk and sat down. She was torn between keeping Will on an even keel and welcoming Zain back into CID.

Will's expression reminded her of a terrier defending its territory, and that decided her, she had to work with him, she would have to wait for a more opportune moment.

...ooo0ooo...

Zain slid into his seat. This was going to be tougher than he thought. His wound throbbed and he fished in his pocket for the painkillers. He stared at the bottle for a moment, lifted the lid and popped one.


	4. Pain

Zain was finding it tough going. The work was fine, as long as he kept his head down he could cope with the hostility by burying it under work.

He wished he hadn't returned. He was guilty in his heart, he knew it. He'd fallen in love with Kirsten, in love with a dream. But he woke up each day to a nightmare. He wasn't sleeping well, and his body wasn't fully recovered.

He had an answer to his pain though, he reached down and pulled open the drawer to his desk. Just the act of reaching down hurt. Bending pulled at his side, he had deliberately put the bottle where he would have to stretch for it. He reached for the bottle. It fit neatly into his hand, and he flipped the lid in one smooth motion, popped a tablet.

_Guilty...guilty...guilty...guilty_

It was like a scratched record in his mind, endlessly bumping back into the same groove over and over.

Jo watched him closely. His work was just about good enough, he kept his head down and ploughed through. There was nothing she could specifically put her finger on, it was as though he was marking time, going through the motions. This was not the clever intuitive officer assigned the Kirsten Shaw case.

Quietly, Jo wondered if she would ever see that officer again.

The antagonism towards Zain did not help. Jo was praying that Mickey's return from leave would bring a change. Mickey and Zain had a history and Zain needed all the friends he could get.

In the meantime he seemed to have one ally in the station, the new CSE from Las Vegas.

...ooo0ooo...

Sarah paused, camera in hand, it was such a small insignificant thing... a feather. She knelt down, placing a marker next to the feather, snapped a short series of shots and bagged the feather. A shaped feather...

She had been called out to a homicide... _murder_... she reminded herself. A man had been found dead, shot through the heart with an arrow. _A strange one_ she thought as she calmly and methodically gathered evidence. She had done the walk-through with Zain and DS Jo Masters. She covertly studied Zain as he worked through collecting up the evidence that she had indicated he could remove.

He looked tired, and a bit tense. She had learned to read the signs in the few short weeks she had known him, but he was so private it was difficult to get close. She noticed with concern that he was still favouring his left side slightly, and she wondered about that. He was on her mind a lot.

She didn't know the story behind his situation, but the tension in the office was palpable. Even something as simple as going to the canteen for his lunch, whispers started at his approach. He stopped going in there, which was how the ritual had started.

Zain had come down to her office for an update on something, it was lunch time, she had a sandwich from her local deli and she had seen his eyes stray towards it as she ran down the details of the evidence. Sarah had carefully sliced the roll in two, surreptitiously pushing the plate towards him. He had taken the offered half of the sandwich with a shy smile in her direction. The next day when she was in the shop, she had ordered two sandwiches.

Sometimes she made the sandwiches rather than bought them, but always two, and he would find some reason or excuse to come to the lab at lunch time. Today's sandwiches were pure indulgence. Nostalgic comfort food. She hoped he liked PB&J.

He stretched to reach something on a shelf, and she heard the hiss of pain. He rocked back on his heels a little. His left arm clamped to his side and he folded his forearm across his stomach. It only lasted a few seconds but the impression was made.

"Zain?"

"It's nothing." He reached into his pocket, pulled out his little bottle and popped a pill.

It wasn't _nothing _but she let it slide. It wasn't the time or the place, later when he swung by for his sandwich she would try to bring the subject up. He was hurting physically, and taking care of it with medication, it wasn't a state of affairs that could continue. She had seen addiction before, and it looked very much like his was now an addiction to those little pills in his pocket.

...ooo0ooo...

Jo arrived a few minutes after Zain, and Sarah knew she couldn't talk to him about the incident in front of Jo.

Zain had to go back to his desk, and Jo was still in the lab, Sarah huffed a little in frustration. She liked the cop, she was an honest and fair person, so as Jo got up to go back to work, she broached the subject.

"I don't know what DC Nadir's situation is, but it seems very harsh on him?" _a suitably vague opening._

Jo smiled at the CSI and sighed. "Zain made an error of judgement, a man died, one of our other officers came close to being killed, and then Zain was shot apparently while running away to set up a new life with a major drug dealer." She hesitated. "He nearly died, he kept his job by the skin of his teeth, and he was then sent back here... It took a lot out of him to do that."

It was on the tip of Sarah's tongue to say that he wasn't coping, but she stayed silent, she wanted to talk to Zain first. As Jo thanked her for her work and turned to go, "Sarah... I'm glad he's found a friend in you."

Sarah smiled, tilted her head a little, "not sure it really helps, but I have this feeling he doesn't deserve the cold shoulder he's getting."

Jo pondered for a second, "no he doesn't, but that doesn't take into account the emotions from the other side."

...ooo0ooo...

Zain sat at his desk hunched over his paperwork. Concentration was a nebulous thing at best these days, but paperwork absorbed his attention and then he could forget the cold disdain around him.

He was tired. He just wanted it to stop. He deserved it. He knew that. But he just wanted to rest from the hatred. Just for a day. Forget the loneliness.

He had nothing but the job.

He wondered how much longer he could do it.

When the phone call came, he knew he was going to accept Sarah's invitation. Someone with no connection to the past who cared about him.

He could make-believe for a little while.


	5. Turning Around

Sarah ran her hands through her hair, and studied her appearance in the mirror. Skinny jeans, and a dark red knit top that she was particularly fond of. She wanted to look good for Zain.

It had been a while since she had felt special. Since a man had piqued her interest like Zain had. She hated to see him suffer.

The doorbell went, interrupting her reverie, and she went to open it.

He looked good. Teal blue shirt, open at the neck, black pinstripe suit, freshly showered and shaved; but there was a haunted look in his wary dark eyes and he looked tired.

"Zain." She stepped forwards, putting her arms around his neck, she gave him a gentle hug and kissed him on the cheek. "Come in." She took his hand and drew him into the hallway.

"This is for you." He handed her a little box, "I didn't know what you would like, and flowers or booze seemed a bit corny..." He tailed off.

Sarah pulled the ribbon undone and opened the box. A pretty little bee pendant on a silver chain. She held it up to the light. "Oh Zain, it's beautiful... you shouldn't have."

He shrugged slightly to cover his confusion, but smiled. Pleased that she liked his gift.

...ooo0ooo...

She made pasta, figuring that even her inexact culinary skills would be alright with pasta, and she had bought a tiramisu from the Deli. They lingered over coffee, and he unwound sufficiently to tell her something of his story.

As they moved to her couch, he seemed to falter, his left arm wrapped across his stomach again.

She took his hand and guided him to sit next to her. He pulled his little bottle out of his pocket and popped a pill. She put her hand over his again. "Zain... you can't keep taking those."

"It's not a long term thing." He looked at her, "I just have some problems with occasional pain from when I was shot." The careful neutrality of his voice was the giveaway.

Her free hand curved around his cheek and she turned his face so that she could see into his eyes. "Hunny, one day you're gonna be sick and tired of being sick and tired."

His lips curved into a rueful half-smile and she didn't press the point. "When you're ready, come to me."

"I will."

They were so close. He bent his head a little, and their lips met. Sarah relaxed into the kiss, after Grissom, Zain was very different.

He slid his arm around her waist and hugged her closer. She leaned in for a minute, before pulling back, and holding out her hand. He took it, and followed her.

It wasn't about sex as Sarah drew him down to lie next to her, she was far from home, and he was lost in a world of pain and regret. So they lay together, two lonely people, and somehow the world seemed less lonely.


End file.
